When I have Fears..
When I have Fears..
It seemed as if I was walking on the streets of inconclusive memories as I got out of the cab. The streets that looked so wide in my blurred images was so narrow with closely packed houses, cracking walls and flaking paints. I heard the younger form of myself laughing with other kids and playing. The street surely was the same but now it looked narrowed, just like the hearts of people these days. I couldn’t recognize it at first sight although this street had always been haunting my dreams. A lot had changed. It had to, for about 10 years had passed.
My heart started pounding hard when I entered the house where I had spent the early days of my life being naughty and all what you can expect from a 6-7 year old. I was too young to understand what really happened there but my best friend had died. And its all what mattered to me. I was really frightened to enter the house. Things had changed a great deal. It wasn’t the same house anymore. The house where we laughed, giggled, shared secrets, hated and loved. I could hear her voice talking to me, complaining what took me so long to finally accept the fact that she was gone. What took me so long to relive the beautiful innocent moments we created together. Innocence of childhood is so pure – free of all the hatred that people have for each other in their hearts, and the lust for money, selfishness.
We were totally different from each other. She was a perfect example of a shy girl and I being the naughty little monster. I used to irritate and misbehave with everyone and she was such an obedient child. I don’t know how but we became best friends, always together in the little group fights we used to have with the other next door kids. But she always preferred not to fight and told me to patch up with everyone. Her words were full of virtuousness. She could bring out the best version of me even when I wanted to burn the world.
And then she died, when how where does not matter anymore, does it? For she was gone. Her funeral was the first one I ever attended. It was terrifying with everyone crying and shouting while I was wondering when will she wake up from her deep peaceful slumber. The day I finally realized that she was gone, I decided to go and never return for it broke my heart to a million pieces. It was my Birthday- the worst birthday ever! My only friend was gone. It left a deep impact on my life and I couldn’t get emotionally attached to anyone for a long time. I always feared they will leave me like she did. Her death is the one that makes me realize that death is a real thing and it is to be feared as it can ambush anyone anywhere.
Bertolt Brecht said, “Do not fear death so much but rather the inadequate life.”
I went back anyway, not because I wanted to relive what happened, but because I had to move on.
People die everyday and eventually are forgotten. We learn to carry on with our lives. At the end, we learn to live with our losses or eventually forgot them in our busy lives.
When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain,
Hold like rich garners the full ripened grain;
When I behold, upon the night’s starred face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love—then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.
-Poem by John keats